Killing the moon
by Female Sanzou
Summary: An attempt to solve the mystery called "Sanzo" Plz R&R! My first story
1. Feel

Killing the moon  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Saiyuki belongs to Minekura-sensei. It's all Sanzô POV, becuz Sanzô is my all time favorite manga and anime chara. For this is my first attempt at fanfiction and I'm not a native speaker, be nice. No flames please, but all other comments are welcome! R&R plz! And enjoy the story (hope it is enjoyable ^_^).  
  
Female Sanzo  
  
One: Feel  
  
Warm blood on my face! Agonized screams! Gunshots!  
  
I feel my heart overflowing with joy. I feel! I can still feel. I look at the wretched creature in front of me, writhed with pain, begging for mercy. My lips display a smile. I shoot him in both legs so he can't run away, then both hands. He screams and screams and I notice that I scream, too, but with laughter. I am so excited! My empty heart throbs wildly in my chest, for it's not used to such intensive emotion. One last shot, then I run out of bullets. I reload my gun as fast as I can, fearing that my emotion of joy will fade soon.  
  
"Sanzô!"  
  
Someone called my name. I turn around and see my companions entering the room. Gôjyô puts his hand on my shoulder and I can see the confusion and horror clearly on his face.  
  
"What are you doing? That's not like you!"  
  
I shove his hand away, annoyed at the interruption.  
  
"Not like me? Then what is 'like me'?"  
  
Even I cannot answer this question. But I do want to continue. I put the last bullet in my gun, then point it at the yokai lying on the floor in a growing puddle of blood.  
  
"Ouch!"  
  
Someone kicked me. I turn around once again and see myself facing Gokû's innocent golden eyes. Almost immediately, I feel ashamed.  
  
Now did u like it? Wrote it in the middle of the night because I just had to!! Will be continued. 


	2. Song of the moon

Nihao!! Here's the second part and I hope you like it. But keep in mind that this story is not chronological, it will consist of fragments that describe several feelings of our favorite namaguza bouzu. Plz R&R, feedback is very important to me. Thx to the people that commented!  
  
Two: Song of the moon  
  
In all this cool is the moon also sleeping? There, in the pool?  
  
-Ryusui  
  
This waka* I've read in a newspaper almost immediately springs to my mind as I gaze in wonder at the unearthly beautiful scenery in front of my eyes. The lake in front of me is bathed in the shimmering light of the full moon that floats high above in the velvet sky. Why is it that the moon has always had a soothing effect on me?  
  
The reason why I'm sitting out here gazing at the moon is rather simple. I just couldn't sleep. In the back of my mind a small voice tells me to get back to bed for it will be a strenuous day tomorrow, but I'm held captive by the beauty of the dim and soft moonlight on the lake near the inn we're staying at. In fact nobody would think of me, the cold and corrupt priest, as impressionable to such things as the beauty of nature. But I can't help to feel soothed and calmed at this sight.  
  
I take a cigarette and a lighter out of the wide sleeve of my silken robe and flick the wheel so that the lighter produces a small flame. Smoking, I continue to absorb the calm and almost serene atmosphere. I inhale the smoke, as I always do. Clouds of pearl-gray smoke float up and veil the moon for a moment before they dissolve into thin air. I throw my cigarette away and step on it. Suddenly, smoking doesn't feel right, almost it seems to me as an insult to the peaceful landscape and the moon.  
  
Gokû keeps telling me that I "shine" like the sun. You are my "sun", his eyes speak to me everytime I look into his clear golden orbs. If that is true and I am indeed like the sun, than why do I prefer the soft light of the moon over the radiant and hot rays of the sun?  
  
I think the answer is that the moon possesses the one thing that the sun lacks, or more precise, the one thing the sun has lost.  
  
Suddenly I am seized by melancholy and the sight of the silver disk of the moon fills my heart with yearning.  
  
Oh my! This was so OOC, wasn't it? But on the other hand, who knows what Sanzô thinks when he's alone? Hope it wasn't too bad and the symbols are understandable ( I think they're simple enough and since Minekura-sensei used them too, everyone should be able to get the meaning of it)! Don't forget to R&R!! ^_^  
  
-Female Sanzou  
  
*waka: predecessor of the haiku. waka consisted of 5 lines with 31 syllables (5-7-5-7-7) I just love waka and prefer them over haiku and since it fitted so nicely with Sanzô's character I put it into my story! ^_^ 


	3. Fragments of guilt

++Spoiler Alert for Volume 9 and Reload Volume 1++  
  
Here comes another chapter! (Finally) I'm so glad people like my story ... So keep on to R&R, you don't know how happy I am when I get many reviews!! Whew ... this chapter was hard! ^_^ I took a few liberties in translating and in this story, it's Sanzô who killed Yakumo in the end. Well we don't know exactly who did it, do we^^ My humblest apologizes for typos and grammatic errors *bows*  
  
PS: Saiyuki is still not mine =(  
  
Three: Fragments of guilt  
  
The first time "guilt" enters our life is always painful. If you are the wronged one or the one who commited the sin, either way this event marks a changing point in your life. When you are found guilty the first time, that is, if you are fully conscious of the consequences of your deeds, you are not a child anymore. The innocence of childhood is gone, the world split in two, and although people try to reattain it through different methods like prayer and meditations, only very few succeed.  
  
When I realized for the first time that I was not quite like the other disciples in the temple, I was eight. Maybe I was younger, but this is what I remember. Earlier, I had not noticed them staring and whispering when I was sweeping the temple grounds or doing other tasks for my master. At first, I wondered whether there was something wrong with me. I did not understand that they despised me because master favoured me over others. Although I never admitted it to anyone, not even master, their contempt left marks.  
  
Buddhism teaches the preserving of life. I broke this rule at the age of thirteen, shortly after my master's death. The man still moved after I had shot him and I pulled the trigger again and again, screaming, wishing he would stop to stir. I don't know whether I was horrified of what I had done or scared of the man who had attacked me. Maybe both. After this I have killed countless times. Killing is one of the few things that can still evoke feelings within me. After this, I have been found guilty for countless times.  
  
My weakness is my guilt. Whenever I showed weakness, someone dear to me would die or get hurt. First, it was my master. Then Shuuei. I couldn't save neither of them. Both of them died, and I lived. I walked away from the place where I had taken my friend's life and we continued our journey. I continued to live. We have stared death in the face numerous times during our journey, and yet, life goes on. It is so tiresome.  
  
I've hurt my companions, especially Gokû, so many times with harsh words and outbursts of unjustified anger. But this is the "me" that I have moulded over long years and I can't change anymore. I couldn't have any respect for myself if I behaved in another way. I can only hope that they will, somehow, understand. I'm too tired to deal with the feelings of other people, dealing with my own is hard enough. I don't want to get involved with other people too much. It is so tiresome.  
  
I shot through Hakkai's body in order to kill Kami-sama. And after Kami- sama's death and our flight from the collapsing castle, I found that I could look neither Hakkai nor Gokû in the eyes. Hakkai understood, and so would Gôjyô if he had seen what I had done. But I was afraid at the very thought of Gokû learning that I had shot Hakkai. I feared that he'd look at me, innocent golden eyes widened in disbelief and shock. Then their expression would change to loathing ... The question that I had feared shook me out of my pondering. "Say, Sanzô, did you shoot Hakkai for real?" "No, I didn't. I aimed properly." The lie came out of my mouth almost by itself. Anxiously, I waited for Hakkai's reaction and stared in the wide, open sky. No clouds at all. I didn't want Gokû to know. I don't want him to know this side of me. Laughter rippled beside me. Hakkai smiled. "Ahaha. But two bullets grazed me, you know." I felt utterly relieved.  
  
"Get in." I sat on the driver's seat of the jeep and waited for my companions to recover from their surprise. "I don't want you half-dead people to cause an accident so I'm driving." I sought Hakkai's gaze. He smiled his Hakkai-smile. "Well, if you say so." It was hard to not let my relief show. He accepted my apologize.  
  
Snowflakes danced in the cold air on that day. The ceaselessly falling snow stifled all noises but the gunshot that killed Yakumo could be heard for miles. His blood oozed away and colored the white of the snow into a distasteful light-red. Again, I had been unable to save a friend. Another scar was added. And I wonder how many will follow.  
  
Why do these things happen? I worked so hard to be self-sufficient, and still ... People get hurt or killed because of my deficiency. Why is that so? Am I still too weak? That must be it ... I always fail the people dear to me. Why do you even like me, saru? I don't understand you. Not that I ever made an effort to understand. It is too tiresome.  
  
These were really fragments ... *sweatdrop* Do you see the "red thread" in the story?? Neither do I -.- Well ... you could say the theme of this chapter is that Sanzô can't realize that whatever he does, it won't prevent him getting hurt. And he's hurting himself, trying so hard to be strong all the time. I wanted to show that he can't go on like that, blaming himself for everything that goes the wrong way. Hope it shows in the story. Why do I have the feeling that this chapter sucked?? *depressed* Like it or not: go and write a review!!!  
  
-Female Sanzou  
  
PS: Happy Birthday Sanzô!! I love you! *smile* 


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